Don’t get me wrong, I still feel pretty woe-is-me. But I was thinking this morning: I have never felt so simultaneously in awe of my body and so physically vulnerable at the same time.
During my qualifying exams, my committee asked if I felt I could still feel “wonder” with regards to displays of the body, and I said I wasn’t sure…but probably not. And you know, it’s true when it comes to some things. But my own body is being really impressive, for better and worse.
Last night I had this bulge right below my tatas when I was reclined in bed for our routine pre-sleep internet episode. I had A reach over and feel it, pointing it out as legs. But then I pushed around, felt some movement and realized it wasn’t baby at all. I’m pretty sure it was…basically all my other abdominal contents squished up and protruding because of my position. Crazy shit.
I think: my abdomen was cut into and is now healing AND continuing to stretch to monumental proportions so that the HUMAN inside it can develop. Then this morning: sciatic nerve pain when I got up.
What a fucking roller coaster.
I was also thinking it might be useful to think about things I’ll miss about being pregnant so that I don’t turn into *just* a waddling ball of resentment and weepiness. So I’m gonna think on that and write it up. Baby steps.